I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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