I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
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Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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