I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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