im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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