my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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