i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
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i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
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I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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