There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
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Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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