I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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