He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
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Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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