naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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