omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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