wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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