Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
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I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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