Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
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Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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