even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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