Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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