life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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