Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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