captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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