she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
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First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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