I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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