Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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