His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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