If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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