i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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