I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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