I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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