I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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