what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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