I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
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In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
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We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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