Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize