i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
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i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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