In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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