Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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