Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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