life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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