John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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