someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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