i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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