It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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