gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Actions speak louder than pants.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
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It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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