i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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