We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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