your parents love me but you hate me
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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