I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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