i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
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Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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