After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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