We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize