True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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