paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
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If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
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We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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